Waiting for a Missionary

the missionary girlfriend's online resource

Tips and Advice

Don't turn to chocolate! Have a question and have no where else to turn? You've come to the right place. Here at our Tips and Advice page we answer some frequently asked questions. If you have a question that hasn't been answered yet, please send an e-mail to lyn_zgal@yahoo.com with 'Tips and Advice' as your subject title. We will post new questions within 2 weeks on average!

Page Includes:

* FAQ's 'Waiting'
* FAQ's 'Mission Life'
* FAQ's 'You and Your Missionary'
* The Other Guy
* The Dreaded Dear Jane

FAQ's "Waiting"

Hi, I am dating a guy right now who just got his call to Mexico. He's asked me to wait for him, but I am not sure that it's the right thing to do. How can I know?
-Kathy, Detriot

Kathy,
First off, might I say congratulations on supporting your boyfriend this far to go on a mission! The choice of waiting, however, is a hard one but entirely up to circumstance. A few things to take in to account are how long you've been dating, how serious you are about a future, and your expectations of what it will be like. A lot of girls let the missionary know that they will date and if something happens, it was meant to. But if they are still available when he gets home, then they will dating again. Other girls choose to wait and hold off on dating. Whatever you decide to do should be the best thing for BOTH of you. Do you really felt quite certain that this boy could be an eternal companion or could there be someone else out there for you? Do you prefer this boy to any you've ever met or ever imagine meeting? Also, how much do you want to commit to this? Most girls who are oficially waiting put their heart and soul in to being there for their elder, which includes writing often, sending packages, and staying strong even when things get hard. For a lot of girls, this is truthfully not the best option to take. To be safe, I would advise you to let your boyfriend know that you will support him and write him, but that you cannot make a specific promise and you will be dating. Since you seem unsure, I would definitely suggest this. Remember that once you've committed yourself to this boy, you have a responsibility on your shoulders to keep him going and not letting him be distracted. If you were to meet someone while he was gone and fall in love, the "Dear John" letter would crush him and affect his mission and the people he's serving. Be cautious about your choice. I am sure you'll make the right one! Good luck!

I was wondering what the statistics are for girls waiting for missionaries?

The only statistics we have as of yet come from Deseret Magazine. They state that 90% of girls do not wait for missionaries. Of the 10% that do, only 3% will end up getting married.

I have been waiting for a missionary, but now I met someone I think I might end up getting married to. I am a little bit paranoid because my elder doesn't know about this guy and now I have to drop this bomb on him. What should I do and how should I approach this?

First off, bravo to you for being so considerate in wanting to approach this topic carefully with him. A lot of girls seem to forget that the guy they've been writing to still has feelings. The worst thing to do is send an impersonal and typical Dear John and forget completely about him. This missionary likely is imagining a future with you. Since you are not yet engaged, I would let your missionary know the seriousness of your feelings for this other guy. Write a letter of feeling and concern to him. Let him know that you weren't expecting this to happen but you feel it might be right. Let him know that you are there for him for support but that you can't continue to make the promise of waiting for him. Make sure and use a softer approach. Tell him to please not let it get him down, that he's making amazing progress, and the last thing you want to do is let this affect his work. Kind words and sympathy with help a lot.

What defines 'waiting'?

It depends on the severity of the waitee (couldn't think of a better name!) Generally, most people understand the definition of this to be a girl agreeing to susbtain from formal dating for the 2 years her boyfriend is serving a mission. There is an implication that when the missionary gets home, the relationship could take a serious turn. Some girls consider themselves waiting if they only casually date. Others would not even date casually. If someone asks you if you are waiting, they're likely asking if you're abstaining from dating. You might have to explain yourself briefly depending on your own case.

How many girls are waiting for missionaries?

A statistic from the MTC indicates that of the 1800 missionaries in the Provo MTC, 1600 have girls 'waiting' for them.

What do I do when someone critisizes my choice to wait?

First, understand their skepticism. Most girls under this term as not very serious. If you're not serious, I wouldn't let others know you're waiting. But if you are serious, state to them that you want to give your elder a chance and you've felt strongly about him. You feel like by accepting dates, you're saying that you're available and being unfair to the other young men who want to date. Do not try and excuse your actions. If you have made an intelligent choice that will be good for you, stand by it and expect the criticism. (Have you ever been cynical of other girls who are waiting? Most likely, yes.)

I got asked out on a date by someone very handsome who I think I like, but I promised to wait. What do I do?

There are only 2 things you can do: accept or decline. If you're serious about waiting, I would suggest declining and letting him know the seriousness of your waiting situation. If you choose to accept and still feel strongly about waiting, decide beforehand that this is just one date and won't go anywhere. Ultimately, it's how confident you feel about your decision to wait. You might decide that waiting wasn't such a good idea afterall. But let your missionary know soon!

FAQ's "Mission Life in General"

What are the rules regarding my contact with my missionary?

You cannot call him or visit him. E-mail in some areas is permitted but check first. Usually, letters is the safest way to go. If you are tempting to get contact otherwise, I would suggest not obtaining a copy of his phone number or anything of that sort. Many girlfriends sit in on the missionary's Christmas phone call. You'll need to ask permission from the missionary and the family for this.

What is a typical day for a missionary?On non P-days, a day will consist of rising around 6 AM, having study time and companion study time, reviewing the day's appointments if there are any, attending meetings, tracting, and sometimes teaching classes. The days have a big workload and when they get home at night, they are often very tired and ready for bed. They'll have prayer, read their scriptures, maybe write in journals, and then they're off to bed. This is pretty much typical for every day.

What are P-Days for and what types of activities are appropriate for them?

Often, P-Days are for writing letters or e-mails, doing laundry, reading, relaxing, and sometimes visiting member's homes. P-Days once and a while are treated like regular days if there are too many things to be doing.

What is life at the MTC like?

The MTC is a time of learning and preparation. The classes usually last all day with meals between and bed at night. There is not much time for anything else. There is also a P-Day at the MTC but it's not quite the same. The food served is cafeteria style. There are lots of devotionals and firesides for them to attend. The MTC is where the languages, discussions, and basic guidelines are learned. The MTC is not only in Provo, but several MTCs are scattered around the world. Some foreign missionaries will spend time first at Provo and then transfer to the MTC to his/her respectable country.

Is mission life anything like what is depicted in the mormon movies? (Such as "The Best 2 Years")

This depends on the mission and the missionary you're asking. Generally I've heard that "The Best 2 Years" is a pretty accurate depiction of mission life. But don't trust everything you see in the movies. It's dramatized to a greater extent.

Why would a missionary be sent home early?

A missionary can be sent home for a variety of reasons, but they are all put in to two categories: "Honorable" and "Dishonorable" Release. Honorable release would apply to missionaries who become very ill or have a troubling injury. Some missionaries also have emotional problems in the mission and can be sent home for anxiety or depression. Sometimes a death or major trajedy can send a missionary home as well. A dishonorable release occurs when the missionary has broken a rule, committed a folly, or has otherwise transgressed in a manner that makes him unworthy to serve. These things are not always big things. Sometimes a missionary who simply witness an act of transgression by another and didn't tell cana be sent home.

What is a district leader? A zone leader? An assistant to the president?

First off, all of these are specific callings given to a missionary while he is serving, They are all forms of leadership. To understand the callings you must first understand a little bit about the setup of the mission. Imagine it a little like the setup of the church. A district is like a ward. A zone is like a stake. And the entire mission would be all of the stakes in one city or locale. See what I'm saying? If he is a leader of a district, he is in charge of seeing through the personal and formal matters of the missionaries in his district. As a zone leader, many more responsibilities are put in to play. An assistant to the president is a calling with the most responsibility of all. He's the president's right hand man. No matter what the circumstance, a missionary in a leadership position should feel honored, as such positions are given to missionaries who have displayed a great deal of responsibility and focus in the mission. Ask your missionary for more specific definitions.

FAQ's: You and your missionary

How will I know if I am distracting my elder?

You probably will know best. Refer to some of the Do's and Don'ts on this site to get a better idea of basic guidelines. You will likely always be somewhat of a distraction to your elder. But you can control a lot of whether or not this distraction is harmful to his work in the mission. You can usually tell by his letters, also. Does he mention wanting to come home or missing you so bad that he wishes he could just leave? Do his letters ever mention anything about the mission, or are they only about you and how much he misses you and wants to come home? Look for these signs. They'll be vital. Be very careful in your interactions to be positive and encouraging.

Why have I stopped getting as many letters from him?

Don't be dissappointed about this. He's likely becoming more enveloped in the work. Be happy for him. Support him. He might also not have time. It likely has nothing to do with you.

What increases someone's chances of ending up with the missionary they sent off?

I'm glad you asked because there are KEY things that keep the relationship going and strong. If you play your cards right, you very well could become even closer over the course of the next 2 years. The keys are...
- Be supportive! Write encouraging letters and send encouraging packages!
- Grow spiritually as well by obeying the commandments and magnifying church callings.
- Stay busy! Keep yourself involved in service, school, work, and anything else!
- Continue to keep him in your thoughts as you would if he was there. Maintain a closeness this way. Keep up pictures and say his name in your prayers.
- Share your neat experiences! Don't be afraid to let him know some cool things that have been happening!
- Be positive! The more positive energy you put forth, the better off your relationship will be.
- Stay close! You'll likely change together for the better.

Is it okay to discuss marriage and children in our letters?

Truthfully, I say that whatever feels right probably is. Does it feel like the right thing to do? If so, keep your conversations appropriate and uplifting as to not to distract him as much as possible. If things don't feel right and he continues to talk about it, don't say anything like, "don't talk about marriage!" to him. Instead, politely and discreetly avoid the topic or say something like, "Let's wait to talk about marriage until we are together and can really get excited about it!"

The Other Guy

The number one reason girls stop waiting seems to be this: another guy. He's probably an RM who has come to sweep you off your feet. He's probably a perfect addition to your currently lonely life...right?

Let me pose a question...did you think for a minute that you would never be attracted to another guy again now that your missionary left? If you really believed you could sustain total monogamy, you set yourself up for failure. Remember, you are still a girl and you are still going to be attracted to other guys. Also, in the situation you are in, you are unlikely to feel totally satisfied with your current relationship with your elder all the time. From experience, there are hard times and there are times you don't feel loved.

So, are you willing to forget your missionary to see what could happen with this guy? If the answer is a definite yes, I want you to write your dear john right now. Then look at it, study it, and make sure it's perfect. Okay, now put it in your drawer. You need to wait 2 months to send it. You might think I'm crazy, but let me clarify.. 2 months is nothing. In 2 months you will know (if you have dated the new guy) if your relationship with your new guy will go anywhere. But here's the rule: for the whole 2 months you are required to write as consistently as ever and no, do NOT mention this new guy. If after 2 months you are still as sure as the day you wrote the letter, send it, and wait for a response.

There are times when a dear john is not necessary. Let me explain something...as much as some girls may hate to admit it, sometimes when you send 'your' missionary out, he is just your friend. The guidelines in this section are centered towards girls who are truly waiting on their missionary BOYFRIEND. With emphasis on the boyfriend part. Maybe even fiance. Either way, even if you sent your best friend out, if there were no set-in-stone feelings, maybe you should not have waited to begin with. 2 years is a lot of time to wait for someone who possibly doesn't feel the way you do.

The dreaded 'Dear Jane'

What's worse than having to write a dear john? Recieving a dear jane. There is some things you can do to avoid all of this. The other thing we're working towards NOT doing is getting dumped when he gets home (I mean RIGHT when he gets home.) So the first step is to evaluate your relationship. Ask yourself these questions...

1. How serious were we before we left?

Typically, the studies seem to show that girls who are more likely to wait were the ones who dated longer. But how much longer? Not as much as you think. If you have dated your missionary since you were first attracted to boys and vice versa, things might not be in your favor. For you it will be important to date while he's gone because you have known no different and while he's gone there is a chance he's started to realize that he didn't date as much as he should have. On the other hand, if you only dated a few months it is also still possible but with such little time together, you will really have to work hard to keep your relationship together. The ideal time to have dated would be 1-3 years, give or take. If you don't fall in that category, it doesn't matter because there is no right or wrong, but consider the pros and cons that he might also be considering. If you were only friends, try to look back and decipher if he cared for you in 'that' way. A good way to know is to ask his close friends. Ask for an honest opinion. If your missionary never even hinted he liked you, I am asking you to move on!! Don't expect for him to fall in love with you over the mission. Write him as a friend but don't go overboard. If he doesn't like you, when he's about to come home, he may panic and tell you the truth about how he feels. This will hurt...a lot. (It happened to someone I know. Very sad.) Now, I'm not asking you to freak yourself out, but always weigh the options.

2. How often does he write and what do his letters consist of?

I'm not suggesting that if he misses a few weeks then his feelings have changed. But if he pretty much writes every 4 months or so, move on. He has more time than that and has not put you as any type of priority. If the letters are very impersonal, watch out. They should AT LEAST have something sweet or sentimental in them. Even if it's just something small. It doesn't have to be mushy, but you should never wonder if he simply wrote the same thing to everyone else who's been trying to write him. Consistency and care show commitment. If these are missing it's really time to ask yourself what you are waiting for.

3. Does he talk about the future? Or about you together?

Typically a missionary who loves you will at least hint at something. For instance, "Wow, I can't wait to start a family and get married...hint hint!!" That should calm your fears right down. Look for signs in the last 6 months because this will let you know where things are possibly headed.